It started with a gift...

One (more) barrier to foreigners forming close relationships with Japanese is the stubborn Gift-Giving Cycle...

When we first arrived in Japan, we went out to dinner with a group of people Matt knew from a Tampa Training Course. We went to a lovely little izakaya in Nishi-Shinjuku, drank lots of sake, ate loads of sushi (yes, I only ate the egg ones) and at the end of the meal, one of the guys refused to let us pay a yen, in spite of our insistence. Yes, we were poor (not that poor) but these people were potential buddies and it made me feel quite uncomfortable. The next time we went out with that crowd (but fewer of them), the whole group split the bill and everyone paid for themselves. I was elated. I felt like I was being treated as one of the group, rather than a guest.

I have always been Little Miss Independent, particularly when it comes to money, and Japan has loosened my attitudes (kicking and screaming mind you) toward being paid for. It can be frustrating if you try to pay for someone else and you are shouted down in protest. There is something about not being able to reciprocate a gesture that leaves me feeling defenceless.

I accept there are times when Japanese people just pay for you or give your gifts and there is nothing you can do about it on the spot. For example, when we went out to Chiba and stayed at Tatsumi's place, his mother gave me a purse made of kimono material. I accepted it graciously, but was confused - why was she giving me this gift? We were staying in her home, so it didn't make sense. The Cycle was thrown into disarray!

Other times, we have been taken out to dinner and paid for, but by work-related acquaintances. Although it doesn't sit that well with me (there is no real chance to return the favour) when it comes to friendships, the obligation really bugs me.

I've heard of foreigners having out and out wars with Japanese people - it all starts with a tiny gift, the gifts escalating in cost as one person tries to outdo the other. This happened to one of our friends who frequently visited a shop in the town where she lived. She struck up a friendly banter with the shop-owner and one day, he gave her a gift of fruit. The next time she saw him, she gave him a Canadian souvenir. No doubt surprised, the shop-keeper out-matched her gift with a larger, more expensive one. This went on for weeks, the gifts just getting progressively more extravagant, until she couldn't take the awkwardness (and cost) anymore. She stopped going to the shop. The banter that she had so enjoyed was killed in a gift-giving shoot-out.

I like the aspect of gift-giving if its a token of appreciation. We always bring cakes or wine to people's houses if we have been invited to dinner. We have succumbed to the "omiyage" tradition - bringing back souvenirs when you go away on holiday as a way of "apologizing" for taking a few measly days off work and possibly throwing the entire company into chaos by your absence.

But if a person I consider a potential friend insists on paying for me all the time, just because they can, or giving me inappropriate gifts, then I have to wonder if I'm still being considered a guest, rather than a friend. It's a nice gesture and all, and like it or not, instilled into the nation's cultural psyche, but I refuse to engage in the Gift-Giving War.

Thankfully, most of our Japanese buddies are like us - appropriately generous at times when it is appropriate. As a foreigner wanting to make friends with the locals, equality is important, and all this goddamn cultural generosity can make a girl feel powerless...