February 19, 2004
"It's not you... it's me"
I really need to go home. My present state of mind is something that can be cured only by an endless view of sunny beaches, an Australian BBQ and an ice cold beer.
This is not about Japan. It's about me. My body has declared civil war on itself, and the troops are bailing out. Things that were, at worst, annoying about Tokyo have started to frustrate me to the point of anger - the peak-hour pushing and shoving, students with no imagination, and the size of our apartment, slightly larger than a size 12 shoebox.
I feel trapped. I probably wouldn't be feeling this gruesome if my leg was tip-top and my throat and head weren't throbbing, but it is still an ordeal to walk to the train station and I'm sick of people staring at me, as if I was choosing to walk down the stairs two feet at a time and dare hinder their morning rhythm. Our apartment, which had become a solace at the end of a weary day now gets on my nerves if its slightly messy, 'cos it becomes a minefield of crap that I keep knocking my leg on. I think my body was trying to tell me something my mind hadn't quite latched onto.
I want to get out. Our plans to go to China at the beginning of April are still up in the air because of my leg. I cannot stay in this apartment, in this city for two more months in this state of mind, because, my dear friends, I will go seriously wacko. And a wacko Kinki is a strange character indeed (just ask The Mister).
My company insists on keeping me busy, which is usually great (lots of yen!!!) but next week I just wanted to rest, to sit in a park with the sun on my leg and in my lungs and not have to worry about rushing from A to B. I have earned an easy week, but unfortunately, they sometimes make it very hard to say "no". I'm tired of other people's expectations, particularly those of Japanese employees who insist on working even on the brink of collapse. They can't "let the team down" and as an employee of a Japanese company, I too, am pressured "not to let the team down". I can't live up to these expectations. I'm selfish and I care about the quality of my life too much.
Luckily, the thing stopping me from barking at strangers in the street, is photography. It has soothed my jaded soul. Every day, Tokyo throws a firecracker in your path, a bright, strange image or scene that I've never seen before. Between these gems and The Mister, I'm on a relatively even emotional keel.
People have said to me, "but when you get back to Australia, you'd be wishing you were back in Japan where things are more exciting, yadayadayada" and they have a point. I have been guilty of a "grass is greener on the other side" complex all my life. But I haven't regretted a single thing about Japan. I love Japan. I cherish every single memory I have, even the bad ones. I have a website that pays homage to the complex madness that is Japan. I'm just ready for the next challenge. I have done Japan.
We're getting married in May and have a fresh life to look forward to. I will miss Japan like hell, but it's time to move on.
I do hope you feel better. Strangely, I feel like I can empathize. I have some mad facination with East Asian culture, and everytime I go to one of the east asian neighbourhoods and something ticks me off (and it always does), I just want to scream.
I think a combination of everything might be the cause. However, finding solace in photography is definetly a step in the right diretion.
I sure miss you even though we've never met. though yes, it's a time to move on.
And be happy.
here's some warm hugs + kisses for ya.
xoxoxo
gambattene.
I remember that feeling all too well. One day, nearing the end of my stay in Japan, I offered to help a (seriously) old lady up the stairs of Shin-Otsuka station. She hurled abuse at me and I cried my eyes out. It was because I felt that, no matter how long I stayed in Japan, I was always going to be an outsider, and always (to some degree) be treated as such. I soon hit boiling point and left for good. But oddly, even to this day, I still yearn for the little things about Tokyo.... btw we have another little one on the way, and congrats on your wedding in May!
I felt the same way when getting ready to leave Japan. The grass over the other side looked really really green. Try to enjoy and make the most of the rest of your time there though. Before you know it it will be over.
Have really been enjoying your blog!
Good luck with everything
The reverse home sickness will just about kill you three months after you return, especially when your glorious years in Japan become not much more than an extended long weekend away in the minds of friends and family.
But it is worth it in the end. Just prepare yourself for the technicolour oddity that is Australia - I still get dazzled by the trees. And I have fallen in love with Australian fauna and flora in ways that I thought were the bastion of crazy old bearded men.
Take it easy and hang in there.
I will certainly miss your storys in Japan
but when its time to move on, nothing
can change that. Hope u get your sunshine
soon
D.
homesickness is indeed a strange and wearying disease that can really eat away at you. i miss perth more than anything, yet think i would really miss melbourne if i returned home. and there are days (a lot more than not recently) where i just want to throw in the towel and leave. i don't know what decision i will make, but you sound like you have decided firmly. good luck, kinki!
Hope you are feeling much better now.. A friend put me onto your site about a year ago now and I have been a constant reader of it with interest..
As a mutual lover of all things Japanese, I have really enjoyed reading about your trials and tribulations in that amazing country...
I will miss the site a lot when you leave,but all good things must come to an end, so I wish you luck and enjoy the rest of the time you have there.All the best for your impending wedding...
Ja mata ne :)
The best of all is that Tokio will be there for you to comeback whenever you can and feel like. Perhaps, with time, some things will be changed into new ones, but basics will remain. I lived two years in New Delhi when I was a teenager (with my parents in the spanish embassy). That was the best time in my life, it realy impressed my mind and personality, and as I mentioned above, you can return when you need to regain those feelings. Don't bother to miss Japan, you will, but you'll learn far more from that.
Wishing you both a very bright life!!
Thank you...thank you for more than I can articulate here...you have helped me deal with my reverse homesickness of desiring Japan while in Canada...I spent a year or so in Japan and wished I'd spent longer...anyway, I'm finally establishing myself in the Advertising Art Direction world here in Toronto, Canada and can afford (psychologically and financially) vacation trips back to Japan. I recommend doing the same a year or so after you get back to Australia.
One thing though, keep doing the photog thing, and keep doing the blog thing wherever you are.
Sincerely,
Florian Jacobs