Such a thing as too much advice?
15 August 2006, 09:47
I swear the increase in incidences of PND is, in some part, due to the expectations others put on us about being mothers. I don’t pretend to know the exact machinations of the PND wheel, but know the horrible pit in my stomach when someone asks if Scout is “sleeping through the night”? Oh, you know that after 6 months they don’t need to feed at night, you know….. You only need to feed her 4 times a day at this age….. A routine is a must when they’re 6 months….. as if somehow you’re less of a mother if you don’t follow suit. Most of this advice is extremely well-meaning of course, but there is so much conflicting advice out there, with accents on all the current-day philosophies around child-rearing.
Breastfeeding being one of them. Now I’m not the Breastapo, and even though I am really pro-breastfeeding, there are women out there who simply can’t breastfeed, as hard as they’ve tried, so who are we to judge? When I got to the 6 month mark and thought I might introduce one bottle of formula a day to give me a break, an ABA Counsellor talked me out of it. I’m glad she did, in retrospect, but my point is that there is soooo much pressure from so-called experts about the “correct” way to raise, feed and schedule our children.
And to compound the problem, seeing a (Melburnian) paediatrician advertise infant formula with absolutely no disclaimer that breast is best, is outrageous. The Sleep Clinic I went to was supervised by that particular paediatrician so I cancelled my spot there after one visit.
In my dark days I went to two Sleep Schools and one sleep clinic. The Sleep School Slut they used to call me. None of them helped me really (with the exception of one school that showed me a good settling technique), in fact I think they made the whole situation worse, as I came out the other end having no clue who to believe and doubting my own abilities to do the right thing by Scout. At the time, I was having a rough trot emotionally, but the schools all lead me to believe that Scout’s catnapping during the day was a solvable sleep issue and that she’d start doing it at night if I didn’t nip it in the bud. As it turned out, I wasn’t that successful in resettling her and she’s kind of grown out of it now, anyway. When I decided on my own volition that resettling wasn’t going to work, I let her catnap and we were both so much happier.
One sleep-school in particular kind of pissed me off. At the time I was doing 6 feeds a day, and Scout was sleeping quite well at night, so during the day, feeds were roughly 3 hours apart. The mothercraft nurse suggested to make Scout more “settled” that I should space feeds out to 4 hours. “So you mean drop a feed?” asked I, aware that there were only 24 hours in a day and thus not enough room to space them out to 4 hours given her nice 9-10 hour gap overnight. “No, no, just space out the feeds to 4 hours, you don’t have to drop a feed…” she insisted. I didn’t argue with her, but it was totally illogical. They wrote me up a “routine” which Scout has long since given the arse and she got down to 5 feeds a day in her own time.
The Sleep School industry is a thriving one, with links to the medical profession, but I don’t think they’re careful enough with the delicate hormonal balance of mothers who feel like failures anyway (hence the admission to sleep school) and pile pressures about what babies “should” be doing.
Current thinking and approaches are always going to change – in 1971, it was the norm to bottlefeed (according to my mum she couldn’t find anyone who could support her breastfeeding so she gave it up after 3 weeks) sleep babies on their tummies and introduce solids by 6 weeks, but something that will never change is the vulnerability of new (and renewed) mums who really need a frikkin’ break.
Which is why we get our offspring to assist us with household chores
Permanent Link | - Sorry to hear what you are experiencing but it sounds all quite typical. When Scout is 3 or 4 you’ll have forgotten all about the headache that feeding/sleeping etc is causing now. All kids are different and the Sleep Clinics can make a fortune as there is no tried and true method. I’d suggest asking your mum but she probably doesn’t remember. My missus can’t remember how much of an issue it was – time to have another one perhaps when you get to that stage.
Trust your own instinct before that of the experts although it is hard to go past that of your friends who have recently had a baby. You know your bub better than anybody but every now and again just want a bit of helpful advice?
Sorry, there aren’t any easy solutions and it will drive you mad for a while. Kids seem to be designed with that in mind.
— Hammy Aug 15, 03:49 PM # - Honestly we could all be doing the “right” thing and it would still be wrong.
— Sharon aka bottle feeding, tummy sleeping worst mother in the world. Aug 15, 10:10 PM # - Not to blow my own trumpet, but luckily I worked that out from very early on (that experts can go and get f….and so can everyone else with an opinion about how I – or anyone else – mother). Maybe because I am a member of that evil Medical Establishment.
You’re soooo right. Child-rearing practices are just trends like everything else. I say if a mum or dad are sensitive to the needs of their child, and make a decision they believe is in the best interest of the child, nobody has nuthin’ on them.
Advice is fine, but should be given with the giver keeping in mind it will be taken or scrapped as suits the taker.
I suffer very minimal guilt when it comes to mothering, because I know I have my darling daughter’s interests at heart. I only feel guilty when I know I’ve stuffed up (like yelling at her unfairly when I’m stressed).
— Cherry Aug 17, 12:17 PM # - I agree, read 10 different books and get 10 different opinions that are all ‘correct’ – and let’s face it, those giving advice, especially at sleep schools (whatever they are) are not the ones living with you and your baby 24/7, so what do they know about your situation? Nothing, so go with what you feel is best for your kids because you know them better than anyone and you know what’s in your heart.
— bogue Aug 17, 12:39 PM # - I guess I am not really qualified to talk here (father of now 22 year old !), however I remember the business of “You will feed ze baby at ze prescribed time, Heil!”. I remember well, since we had to bottle-feed and guess who had to take turns each night! It was a whole lot of baloney; don´t listen to any of the fixed-schedule guys. Just do the “gut-feeling” thing, it is the best.
— Ferit Aug 19, 04:01 AM #
