Survivor's Guilt
9 December 2008, 16:59
I have been very melancholy at late. Company going through organisational overhaul, making jobs redundant, good people being told just before Chrissie that they won’t have a job in the new year – people I know personally. I won’t go into how I feel about the politics of the restructure – truth is, I think it’s both a positive and a negative move (questionable timing) in an uncertain and strained economy – and that’s not just me pursuing the righteousnous of a balanced argument.
I survived the cut. My new position hasn’t “officially” been announced so I won’t say what it is, but I have a job. And in light of this, I’m extremely grateful for my lot. I have a job. I have a great family – beautiful daughter and gentle, invested husband. Live in a great community in a fortunate country. Live small – modest mortgage, one credit card we pay off every month. Scout is playing “fishies” with a magnet and some steel paperclips. Entertains herself for hours in the spirit of low maintenance.
And I feel survivor’s guilt for getting through and holding my family above the waterline of mere “existing”. I know I’m a worthy (read: indispensable…. NOT!) employee with transferable skills which holds me in good stead, but I doubt that anyone is truly safe. And for a part-time worker with family obligations I find myself in a very delicate state and one that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me with melancholy and acute fears of loss. What if I lost my job? What if McG lost his job? What if something happened that upset the fabric of our current lives? All irrational fears but I feel an aura on the streets of restrained panic underpinned by pragmatism that such a downturn won’t last forever.
My masseuse got me to pick a card out of her tarot deck (gotta love my holistic hippie healer!) and I chose “Kali”. Endings and Beginnings. These things don’t ordinarily resonate with me but it finetuned how I felt about the things going on around me. She also saw a pink aura around my head, meaning “Love” (apparently). Also apt, because if I have nothing else in my life, I will have Love.
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